Dr. Paris: In Conversation with Cupid

Read Part 1 & Part 2

“Testing, 1, 2, 3,  I am Dr. Andy Paris, this is February 15th at 2pm. My next client, has a standing appointment once a year on this date.”

“Hello, Dr. Paris.”

“Good afternoon. Would you like some chocolate? I have plenty leftover from yesterday.”

“Is that a joke?”

“I’m so sorry, that was quite insensitive of me. I’ll put these away. Can you tell me about your week?”

“It’s not just a week now. It’s the entire month. It’s almost two months! Two months of fat diapered babies with bow-and-arrows. Do I look like a fat diapered baby to you?”

“Of course not.”

“Plus it’s not even about love anymore. It used to be about love. Now it’s every kid at every school in the whole damn continent. They don’t love each other, some of them don’t even like each other. Why do they keep it up? Is it just to torture me?”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“And what do mutated turtles and large eyed women have to do with me anyway? They’re almost worse than the fat babies. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I the god of Disney and Star Wars? Am I the god of cinnamon and chalk?”

“…Chalk?”

“Those tiny hearts with writing on them. Are they not chalk?”

“Those are actually supposed to be candy.”

“Really? Well that’s just a slap in the face.”

“Getting back to yesterday, did you do what I suggested last year?”

“I’m trying. I tried to do what you said, but I don’t want to be by myself for two whole months.”

“Did you at least get to a secluded spot yesterday?”

“I…. attempted that.”

“And what happened?”

“I booked this cabin in the woods, this cute little exclusive resort, away from everything.”

“Oh no.”

“It turned out to be a couple’s resort! Cabin after cabin of blissful couples, all there for..for…”

“It’s okay to say it, saying it won’t hurt you.”

“VALENTINE’S DAY!”

“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“I was surrounded by them! Flowers and chocolates and stupid fat babies. I had to fly from cabin to cabin. I witnessed three proposals!”

“That must have been very frustrating.”

“I can’t get away from it. When love is near, I have to obey. I have to go and fire my stupid magical arrows all day. It’s exhausting. It’s un-ending. AND IT’S EVERY DAMN YEAR!”

“I know, Mr. Cupid, I know.”

[muffled sobs]

“Same.” [sob] “time” [sob] “next year?” [sob]

“Yes, of course. And more often if you’d like. You cry for as long as you need to.”

 

[end recording]

Dr Paris: Therapist to the Supernatural

Read part 1

“This is Dr. Andy Paris, recording this 14th day of January at 3:30 in the afternoon. My patient is Ms. Belledonte.”

“Good afternoon, Dr.Paris.”

“I need to inform you that I have begun recording my sessions. The recordings are password protected on my computer and will not be listened to by anyone else. Do I have your consent on that?”

“Yes. I suppose that is fine.”

“How has your week been?”

[a long sigh from Ms. Belledonte]

“He’s been following me again. Theo. I haven’t seen him in almost a  century and he’s started following me.”

“Where was it that you saw him?”

“He has a MAN BUN! A fucking man bun. And hipster glasses. He didn’t even wear those in the 60s. He has never been on trend. When I saw him in the 1850’s, he was wearing a tricorn hat like it was 17-fucking- 76. Where does he get off with this flannel and man bun nonsense?”

“So you saw him…”

“He used to do this, you know, he used to stalk me, follow me around all the time when we were both in Vienna.”

“And this was…”

“During the Black Plague. He got it in his head that this would be the thing to finish us off. He followed me around, seeing if I would catch it first. But of course I didn’t. Of course WE didn’t. I couldn’t shake him if my life depended on it.

“He’s been following you…”

[a cough] “Well.”

“Are you worried he followed you here?”

“He followed me…on twitter.”

“On twitter.”

“Well it’s bloody the same as following me down the street nowadays isn’t it? I just want to know what he’s playing at. Following me like this.”

“This seems to have had quite the effect on your week.”

“Not just my week, Dr. Paris. Not just my week.”

“No?”

“My whole fucking existence! I only see Theo once, maybe twice a century. He’s this… simpering idiot. This fool of a man. How he got to be an immortal, I’ve never figured out. But to have him following me on twitter changes our dynamic. Plus that fucking man bun.”

“Have you considered blocking him?”

[another long sigh from Ms. Belledonte]

“That’s… an idea. But, I don’t know… I don’t care. I don’t care about him, I don’t care about his stupid, immortal face. I just want it to go away.” [a long silence] “I mean, of course I CARE about him, he’s the only other immortal I’ve got. But I can only take so much of him.”

“So what happens next?”

“I just don’t know. I used to be the one who was ‘of the now’… maybe now it’s him. Maybe I take a rest for a decade or so.”

“A rest?”

“Just a… time off from being the most fabulous creature in the room, you know? A thousand years of trendsetting is wearing a little thin. Every move I make followed by everyone around me. Even you, doctor! I see you watching me. You’ve even stopped writing on that damn notepad”

“I did inform you I’d be recording these sessions. I don’t need to take as many notes.”

“You’re just as obsessed with me as he is. The entire thing is so typical of him. I was on twitter ten years ago. And now he’s on it just to annoy me. As if a thousand years of annoying me isn’t enough.

“Could I-”

“This week has just been the absolute worst! You mortals have no idea what it takes to maintain this level of sophistication. Justine – that’s my hair stylist – Justine is retiring! She just started doing my hair thirty years ago and now I have to find someone new. Again. My housekeeper wants to work fewer hours, just because she had a baby! Doesn’t she see how that inconveniences me?”

“Could I – “

“Everything is fucking wrong with everything. I think Theo is behind it all. He wants me to suffer. He wants to take all that I have!”

“Ms. Belladonte. Marina. Could I just ask you a question?”

“Fine.”

“How many followers does Theo have on twitter?”

“MORE THAN ME!”

“That’s what I suspected. Now, I know you want help with this. You’re coming here because you want to work on your relationships.”

“With mortals. Not with Theo.”

“Exactly. So, I want you to start by blocking Theo on twitter. Just for a week and see if it makes you feel better.”

“I guess.”

“I’m afraid our time is up for today, Ms. Belledonte.”

“Alright, Dr. Paris.” [a long sigh] “Same time next week?”

“Absolutely”

[end recording]

Dr. Paris: Therapist to the Supernatural Part 1

“Testing, testing. 1 2 3. This is Dr. Andy Paris, recording this 13th day of January, 2016. It is 8:30 on Friday morning and my first session of the day will begin as soon and my patient arrives”
“Actually, I’m already here.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry Mr. Green, it was difficult to see you in the full sunlight.”
[sound of papers shuffling] “So last week we had just begun talking about… Jane.”
“It’s like I’m invisible to her. She barely acknowledged I was in the room last week. Is that fair?”
“Are you sure she can see you? I did have some trouble when you came in.”
“She threw a pillow through my head the other night.”
“A pillow?”
“Yes! She yelled at me and threw a pillow. Went right through my head and hit the wall behind me.”
“What was happening at the time?”
“Well…” [a long pause] “Mr. Green?”
“I was in her bedroom.”
“Yes?”
“And she may have been trying to be intimate with her new husband.”
[a long sigh from Mr. Green] [papers shuffle] “I wasn’t going to visit her anymore! I had stopped for so long. Then I saw her coming out of a church, she was in this beautiful dress. I mean, it wasn’t white, so at least she wasn’t pretending I never… she got remarried! After all our time together! Even after I watched over her for…”
[sounds of sobbing] “Here, Mr. Green. Have a tissue.” [louder sobbing] “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Of course a tissue wouldn’t help someone in your…situation.”[a pause, the sobbing lessens] “So you watched her for… [papers shuffling] three years post-mortem. Was she aware of you during that time?”
“I..I think so. She talked to me on occasion. But..”
“But?”
“I wanted her to move on! I hated to see her so sad all the time.”
“And when she did move on?”
“I didn’t know she had! I went back two weeks ago and there she was getting married! I was so angry. I thought she’d still be wallowing in her sweatpants and watching Netflix. And the worst part is this new guy…this new guy…I don’t even know him! How could she meet a brand new person and marry him!”
[a long pause] “Let’s get back to this pillow throwing incident that seems to have set you off this week.”
“Well…well…okay. You see… I started visiting her again after she got married. Mostly she was alone. I’d just sit on her couch.”
“Just sit?”
“Fine! I’d sit on her couch and look through our wedding album.”
[another pause] “…and?”
“And I’d leave it out. Open to the page of us with the word ‘Always’.”
“You seem to be having trouble getting to this pillow incident, Mr. Green.”
“It was so dark last week. The fog and the snow and the early sunsets. I felt myself slipping away. So I went to her. I wanted to see her just one last time.”
“And when you got there?”
“There were candles! There were candles everywhere and she looked so beautiful lighting them. I almost thought they were for me. Then HE came in. Silk boxers and a rose in his teeth. Bastard.”
“Sounds like they were having a very romantic evening.”
“It was romantic all right. I just…I just… I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I manifested. Appeared right in the corner and started knocking over candles. And that’s when she screamed and threw a pillow at me.”
“What happened next? Did you leave?”
“The pillow [a sob] the pillow [a sob] caught fire.”
“Oh my…wait…” [a shuffle of papers]“…is your wife named Jane Jackson now?”
“YES!” [uncontrollable sobbing] “YOU KNOW IT IS!”
“Mr Green? Mr. Green?”
[a click as the tape recorder is turned off, then back on again] “This is Dr. Andy Paris. Mr. Green has disappeared. His wife, Jane Jackson and her new husband Calvin recently perished in a house fire. Now that I have this information, I may be able to assist Mr. Green more beneficially. It is 9:45am on January 13th.”
[end of recording]